Boner Game
by Starr Studded
Summary: What happens when the guys make a bet to see who can go the longest without getting a boner...but Alice catches wind of the idea. Uh oh spaghetti-o! Thongs, handcuffs, and the RABBIT...OH MY! Plz review! Rated M for smut in later chaps!
1. Can We get drunk?

I don't own Twilight or any characters… I just mess with their minds and their hormones…so get use to it!!!

*Anything that is italicized is what the person is thinking.

EPOV

_If Emmett doesn't stop picturing what he would do to Rose in the shower I may have to snap his neck._

"EMMETT DUDE….PLEASE CHILL OUT WITH THE THOUGHTS," I finally blurted out as his thoughts became oddly disturbing. _Let's just say he brought a whole new aspect of spooning to the table._

"Yea dude please….your feelings are overwhelming the waves of calm I've been trying to send out for an hour now!!!!"Jasper yelled.

" Sheesh…all right all right already I'll chill…its just when I think about how fucking sexy Rose is when she's covered in my…."

"DUDE STOP THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " Both Jasper and I chimed in at the same time.

"Awwwww, da poor lil boys can't keep up with the big papa bear!!!" Emmett mocked from his upside down position on the bed. _(Since we're vampires our blood doesn't rush to our head when we hang upside down.)_

"Emmett how can u even enjoy sex when you have it SOOOOOO often," Jasper asked with actual curiosity in his voice.

"Dude how can you resist sex," Emmett threw back at him with a look on his face as if the absence of sex was worse than the smell of the mutt.

_Being as bored as I was I decided we should play a little game. Having the advantage of mind reading on my side I figured this idea was going to be quite the entertaining event._

"Hey Jasp…" I called from the floor of Emmett's room.

"Yes???"

"You know how apparently we can't get drunk, well I think I feel like proving that myth wrong…what cha think," I asked.

"I think you've lost your marbles but hey…there's nothing better to do right now...what cha think Emm," Jasper directed the question Emmett.

"DUDE HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN ME TO BACK OUT OF A CHALLEGNE!?!?!?" Emmett yelled as if he was offended.

_Perfect*MUHAHAHHAHAHA*_

5 hours later

EMPOV

"Allz-a-righ fee….I do nounce des myth BUSTED!!!!" (**A/N: It says All righty….I announce this myth busted!!!)**

_Yea…im pretty wasted……well I didn't back out…..I have a feeling that I'm going to regret this……_

_12 hours later_

_JPOV_

"Baby wake up…..DAMMIT EMMETT…….YOUR A VAMPIRE YOU DON'T NEEEED SLEEP!!!!!," I heard Rose scream at Emm.

_Apparently Rose gets cranky if she doesn't have sex every few hours…….explains why he has sex on the brain 24/7. I might as well let Rose know Emmett's out of commission for awhile._

"Hey Rose, Emmett's drunk…not sleep…." I said groggily…still half drunk myself.

"Wait…WHAT!?!?!?!," Rose screamed.

"Yea….169 beers and 40 shots took him out."

"UGHHHHH…can you at least give me an estimate," she questioned with annoyance thick in her voice.

"Yea….actually in 5….4……3…….2….."

"DUDE!!!!! WHO HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH 2x4!!!!!?????" Emmett screamed at the top of his lungs.

_All I could do was laugh and fall on the floor becoming the epitome of ROFL……_

"_WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING AT!!!!!!???????," _both Rosalie and Emmett shouted at me.

_I could feel their annoyance almost as if it was clearly written across both of their foreheads. I also started catching wind of Emmett's sudden lust for Rose. SHEESH...the guy's been conscience for not even 2 minutes and he wants some. I figured it be best to send out calming waves and slowly back out of the room._

"Dude what you have is called a hangover."

"Whatever….I'll give you something to laugh at," he smirked at me. I could almost feel his smugness through the air. He then proceeded to rip of Rose's shirt and was already working on her bra by the time I could get out of the room.

_All the talk about sex last night had my lil solider standing at attention at the moment so I figured I'd go play cops and robbers with the object of my sexual fantasies._

"oooooooo…….aliiiiiceeeee!!!!"

"I'm up here baby…..," she beckoned back with lust present in every sound wave of her bell like melody of a voice.

_CHA CHING!!!!!_

EPOV

_Dammit why da hell is everyone getting some today!?!?!?! Everyone but me dat is…….where da fuck is Bella at any…….Just then her silky smooth arms wrapped around my shoulders, turned me around and forced me to the bed with an unusual amount of force. As I was forced back onto the bed I heard an instant *CRAAACK*_

"SHIT!!!! What was…"

_Bella cut me off by ripping my pants off and instantly started to rub my erect penis that was now straining through my boxer briefs. As I glanced at her body to figure where I should start tearing her clothes to shreds I noticed my job had already been done. EVEN BETTER!!!!!_

" Wow Bells, where did all of that creativity come from," I asked as we both got dressed after finishing our sex session for the evening.

"What can I say…you bring out the animal in me…" she replied with a sexy imitation of my crooked smile. "Well I gotta go out to the furnishing store with Alice and Rose to repair the damage down here. I have a feeling were not the only one who's damaged anything."

"Yea your right…so let's take inventory, shall we?"

"We shall…OK:

1 bed frame

2 bed posts

1 ceiling fan

3 pillows"

"Edward sweetie….did you have to tear the pillows to shreds again? I know it was necessary the first…few….times but come on now papii," Bella sighed as she take in the damage to her designer pillows that she was actually stating to like. "Well I'm off to go get the supplies so the room will be ready for round two…k?"

"Sure thing babe, I'll see you then." As soon as I finished the sentence Alice came in and took Bella away before I could even take one unnecessary breath.

2 hours later

"DUDE…." Emmett started to say before both Jasper and I cut him off.

"We know…your bored," Both myself an Jasper said in our best imitations of Emmett's voice. _I must say we did a pretty good job._

" Hey Emm, how bout we play a game….and before you ask it will not be Spin the Bottle or Truth or Dare OR Dare or Dare," Jasper said.

_Emmett started to form a pout on his face but then he changed his mind thinking that he at least wouldn't be as bored as he was now. Little did he know…he'd b a lot more then bored if he agreed to play……_

"How bout we play the boner game," Jasper chimed in with an very smug expression on his face.

_Of course Emmett being true to himself couldn't stand the idea of backing out of anything competitive. _

"SURE…..but..how do we play? Is it like who can get da most boners??"_ poor Emmett…if only he knew…….._

" Actually Emm….its more like…….."

"Like WHAT!?!?!," he questioned and you could hear the regret in his voice.

"Like…..who can go the longest without a boner…."

_The look on his face was absolutely priceless._

**(A/N: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! I'd Greatly appreciate it…helpful hints would be nice…pretty please…I'd love you forever and I'll review everyone of your stories..pretty please********)**


	2. THEY DID WHAT!

_**(A/N: I don't own it…so blah blah blah)**_

_**(please don't be a silent reader……ive only gotten 2 measly reviews(dont b fooled….I love the two of you who reviewed) but 600 hits…….please be nice)**_

_***If it doesn't have a name at the end it's the person whose pov it's in & if it's italicized it's a thought**_

EMPOV

"No……….Seriously……….how do we play"

"Emmett I'm being very serious…..,"Edward stated matter of factly. _There's gotta be a way out of this. GOT IT….. since I'm a vampire blood doesn't give me an erection so technically speaking I can't get a boner. CHA CHING_

"Hey Emm….that won't work," _UGH!!!!!!!!! Stupid mind reading vampire... Gotta come up with a new idea….HAHAHAHA GOT IT!!!! Now time to block him……I think I'll use the Canadian Anthem…IN FRENCH…MUHAHAHAHHA_

Ô Canada!  
Terre de nos aïeux,  
Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!  
Car ton bras sait porter l'épée,  
Il sait porter la croix!  
Ton histoire est une épopée  
Des plus brillants exploits.  
Et ta valeur, de foi trempée,  
Protégera nos foyers et nos droits  
Protégera nos foyers et nos droits

"Emmett there are conditions to this game," Jasper said. _I'm pretty sure he didn't pick up on my smugness but just in case let's put on some fake disappointment…there's no way in HELL he will outsmart me._

"There will be no do over's, no Viagra, no Extenze, no Zencore +, no male enhancement_," SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!_, "there can be oral sex…but because you need a hard cock, anal and regular are off limits. So is spooning. If you get a boner from any activities sexual or not, you lose. If you lose you have to eat a full 5 course meal of human food of Bella's choice," Jasper finished. _UGH….STUPID ASS EMOTION CHANGING WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _

"Now...now Emmett…..those thoughts aren't very nice," Edward added smugly," you are aware of the fact that you can just back out."

"EMMETT MCCARTHY CULLEN NEVERS BACKS OUT!!!!!!!!!!"

APOV

"YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ummmmmm……Rose, I think Alice finally lost it," Bella nudged her with a seriously worried look on her face.

"I have NOT lost it. I just got a vision about the guys."

"Ok, I'll bite what has Emmett doomed them to this," Rose asked with a more than monotone expression.

"Actually Bella's significant other came up this one from the looks of it."

"Edward….did what?!?! I can't believe my Edward would……wait….what exactly did he do Alice?"

"Edward and Jasper decided to challenge each other as well as Emm to play the Boner Game."

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO…." Rose started to hyperventilate….,"HE WOULDN'T BE SOOO STUPID!!!!!! I CANT FUCK HIM WIT A LIMP DICK!!!!!!!!!!"

"I'm going to severely cripple Edward….I swear I ….wait a got damn minute," Bella chimed in. _For just being told she can't have sex with her husband until the other two lose, she looks awfully…happy???_

"Alice…may I please take the wheel," Bella asked as politely as she could.

"Yea sure….why what are you planning…..I can't see it because you keep changing your mind."

"O, sorry sis didn't mean to...here…"Bella said._ As soon as she finished the sentence I saw what she had planned. OOOOOHHHHHH……Purrrrrfecct!!!!!!! As soon as Bella took the wheel we instantly started headed in the complete opposite direction. I wonder why we were heading in such a hurry and then another vision came into view. Whooa……_

"BELLA'S TAKING US SHOPPING," I announced more to myself than to the confused Rose sitting in the back seat.

"Ok…..are we talking about the same Bella?" she questioned.

"I haven't even told you the best part…….ITS LINGERIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Wait…let me get this straight…..Isabella Cullen is going to take US out shopping upon HER request….Bella how hard did you hit your head today?" Rose questioned. _Man she was really confused at this point. Come to think of it I hadn't really comprehended the idea yet._

"Ok, well here is my logic to this whole shopping trip. The guys made the selfish decision to keep us from sex, I know me personally enjoy sex too much to give it up that easily. So well all are aware of the fact that vampires are distracted fairly easily, therefore there's no telling how long it will take two of the guys to drop out. So I say why don't we turn it into a little game of our own," Bella stated and an extremely evil smile became plastered onto her face.

"I like where this is going…please explain more," Rose said._ Of course anything with lingerie and turning Emmett on would intrigue her and her raging teenage hormones. _

"So I say to speed up the process of getting back to our regular sex schedules we go through 3 stages with our men. The first stage will be to simply try foreplay. The second stage will be begging. Stage three will be the hardest for them to resist," Bella continued," Rose what Emmett's favorite color on you?"

"You mean besides my natural skin color….ummm…a fiery red," she answered.

"Good….now Alice, Jasper likes you in coral, right," Bella questioned.

"Yep yep…can you please stop changing your mind, I really would like to know what's going on."

"Alice, I would actually greatly appreciate it if you would try your hardest not to look into the future. This will be a lot more fun for all of us if it's surprise to ALL of us. Please Alice," Bella begged. _ UGH…I swear if I didn't love her I wouldn't agree to this. _

"Fine…but where are we…."

"We're here," Bella announced as we arrived at my favorite store in the whole world. Victoria's Secret." Now..make sure that what ever you get leaves nothing….and I mean NOTHING, to the imagination. We will also be making a stop at Spencer's once we finish here. Ok we each must pick one of each of the categories: baby doll, slips, teddies, bustiers, and garters. Remember stick to your colors. Meet you in four hours back here."


	3. I know i know i hate these too

**A/N: I'm very sorry that I haven't been able to update my story at all but I'm sooo stressed out in real life. A lot of things have happened in my life lately and sad to say until I can be happy in real life, I can not continue on with this story. I not giving up on this story just putting it on hold until school lightens up and life ease's up. I hope you understand and I'm really sorry**


	4. Yeahhh,Boo and Help authorsnote

**Why hello readers….ok so I know ive been gone for forever and my stories have been kinda sorta dwindling into oblivion but I swear all is nt lost….My LA teacher just collected our final essays for our supplementary novels so that's finally over…. YEAH!!!!!!!!!! **

**But she also just assigned a new reading project……booooo!!!!!!! So I'll try and type a little every night or so to help pick up the chapter pace. Thanks for putting up with me……**

**Also does anyone know any fanfics that are a Bella & Edward swap…I mean like Bella was the century old vampire and Edward was the king of all clutz???? I'd really appreciate it if u pm me the authors link so I can read it…pretty pretty plz wit a sexy sexxxy sex god on top*cough* TAYLOR LAUNTER*cough*!!!!!**

**Thanks….love you all**

**One luv**

**-Starr Studded**


	5. Lingerie & the RABBIT

**(A/N: Sorry its taken sooooo long……School's been a monster my teacher's r crazii…..u thnk they're given u a break dem BAMMMMMM…overdose on homework…it happened again just this week…….**

**Thanks for all the favorites and alerts I've been getting. I love all my readers….it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside…LMAO)**

***I don't it own it blah blah blah…do I really have to put this at the top of EVERY chapter...UGH!!! Well how about this from now on at the top of every chapter there will be a IDOI meaning I Don't Own It…..simple enough…muhazz….here's the chap**

**BPOV**

_Ok so what to get??? OOOOO…this is nice and it's a beautiful blue to. O this is going to be so much fun. I hope Edward is going to be able to at least last two days. I really do want to get to stage three. I have the perfect torture planned for him.*tehe* Lucky for me he can't even read my mind. Oooo…..now this is sexy. Hahaha…ok so I'm being a little evil right now but ahh well who cares. You do not cut Isabella Cullen from sex and survive through it. But since it's impossible to kill his sexy muscle bound hunk of a body, I can kill the little solider down below._

"Bella…Bella snap out of it!!!!!," the evil little pixie broke me out of my ranting.

"Yes…pixie…."

"It's been 3 and ½ hours now…can we go……Rose and I bought everything you specified…"Alice said.

**K so I now this kinda weird 2 put a note down here but I'm sick of trying to not make the endings of my sentences repetitive so from now on I'm changing that….let me knw if u dnt like it…..and I'll go back 2 being frustrated…but until then…..**

Me: "Oh my Cheese…has it really been that long already???"

Alice: "Why yes o queen of the zoners…it has..."

Me: "SHIT!!!! I haven't boug…"

Rosalie: "Hold your horse's potty mouth….Alice saw that you were on your mental mind rant, so we bought everything you specified in your color."

Me: "O thank Cheese and RICE!!!! Well…..now that that has been taken care of how bout we continue on to our next destination."

Alice: "Bella I can only not use my gift for so long before the waiting over powers me…PLEASE TELL ME WHERE WE ARE GOIN!!!!"

Me: "Why, ill pixie sister of mine, I'll do better than tell you…I'll show you!"

_Myself, Alice, and Rosalie walk of the Queen of all things sexual, Vicki's Secrets, and begin our descendent to the King of all things sexual… SPENCERS!!!!!!!!!! As soon as we got to the front door, the alarm to the store went off. I looked back at Alice then to the store clerk sitting at the front desk. His heart started to race as he took in Rosalie's appearance. In my opinion there wasn't much to take it but hey, who am I to judge. I turn to Alice and as if she read my mind…or saw the future… she turned around and left the store to go put the bags back in the car. _

Me *in a voice so low only vampires can hear*: I think o'l buddy here has the hots for you…I just smell the testosterone raging, I'll b sure to let Emmett know bout this.

Rosalie: *in an equally low voice*: Ahh but sweet sister of mine you may want to take a look at who he's drooling over now

_Puzzled I turn around and see that in fact, he actually has a small puddle of drool hanging from his mouth with his eyes permenatly fixed on my ass. UGH!!!! Human hormones are sooo disgusting!!!_

Me: *whisper* Just get out of here till I handle Sir Drools a lot

Rosalie: You have fun with that…..

Me: Always do

_I slowly approach the counter and make sure to lean over far enough so he has a clear view down my shirt._

Store Clerk: hhh…….hhho….*gulp* how may I he-eeelp you miss?

Me: Well….first you can tell me your name

Store Clerk: uhhhhh….my name????

Me: yes….your name…..

Store Clerk: My name……..its……uhhhh……EMBRY!!!! Yea EMBRY's my name… sex toys r my game.

_WOWOWWWWW…..did he really just say that. Now I have to make this convincing…flirt your ass of Bella….and do it NOW!!! Before you chicken out…_

Me: So…Embry…..i'm lookin for some……..entertainment….for me and my girls tonight.

Embry: Well we have games, whips, and chains, and an assortment of dildo's…as well as….

Me: I'm sorry I was so drawn in by the luscious sound of your voice…now what was that last one you said

_Rosalie-who's outside:*GAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* _

_I just internally chuckle… poor lil kid's eyes are starting to glaze over and I can hear the ever so faint scratch of skin against denim…yep boner ahoy….damn im good_

Embry: ummmm….dildos…….

Me: YES!!!!! OHHH GODDDD……YES!!!!! That's exactly what I'm looking for

Embry:**squeak* uhmmm…..we have your regular average joe, and then we have you king dong dildos, but we also have a very popular one that we just got a new shipment. The Rabbit.

Me: yes…I'll take 3 please…and also…..do you carry any baby lotion???

_Rosalie & Alice from outside- WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????_


	6. Im Back

**Well hello hello hello. Im back. =) i have a new life, a new computer, and new ideas for the story. I will be updating shortly and have started the next chapter today. Ive noticed that my story plot is good but my formatting sucks ass. i need help with your willing to help let me know. =) please and thank you.**


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